Road to Hell
by Nemblewhiska
Summary: Formerly entitled: It Seemed Like A Good Idea. Cats: A bet between Bombalurina and the Rum Tum Tugger causes trouble for the Junkyard. Featuring MJRT and Mistoffelees.
1. Of Siamese and Water Ballons

**Road to Hell**

**Chapter One: Of Siamese and Water Balloons**

It was a quiet day in the Jellicle Junkyard. Kittens were playing, old cats were cuddling and young cats were sunbathing. It was a very good day for relaxing, particularly if you had a gorgeous silver tabby to sunbathe with and the whole roof of the old Ford to lie on. Demeter and Munkustrap were almost asleep when Bombalurina stormed by like a crimson tornado.

"Oh, that Tugger!" she fumed. "He thinks he's SO sexy! Soooo cool! Mr. I-can-get-any-queen-I-want! I'm surprised he can walk around with that swollen head of his!"

Bombalurina's rant startled Munkustrap and Demeter out of their doze. Munkustrap looked at Demeter as if to say, "What is this about?" but Demeter shrugged.

"She seemed all right at home."

Both of them crept to the edge of the Ford and watched Bombalurina's tirade. She had gone from insulting the Rum Tum Tugger to insulting his family. After five minutes of hearing about the intelligence (or lack thereof), deformities and probable sexual habits of his forebears, Demeter felt that it was time to step in.

"…SON OF A SYPHILITIC PEKINGESE!"

"Careful now, Bombi. Half the Yard is family to the Tugger."

Bombalurina jumped three feet into the air and came down with her back arched and her tail bristled. She looked around, wild-eyed for the source of the voices. She didn't look long. There was Demeter, sprawled out on the old Ford, chin resting on her paws and looking highly enetertained. Munkustrap was beside Demeter, propped on one elbow, also looking amused.

"Demi, I could've had a heart attack! Is that what you want, A DEAD SISTER?"

Bombalurina sat down and began to groom herself, more out of nerves than a need to be clean. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Jemima and Mistoffelees come into the Junkyard, probably looking for the screamer.

"On the bright side, if the Tugger was anywhere in London, he probably heard most of that," Munkustrap went on, "But I'm sure that Old Deuteronomy isn't overly fond of being called a syphilitic Peke. Besides, I'm his son too. What does that make me?"

"Mr. Wonderful," Demeter said, nuzzling under his chin. The moment would have been perfect if not for the gagging noises Bombalurina felt she had to make.

"Puh-lease! I've been humiliated and all you two can think about is making out? Don't interrupt me again! The Tugger is full of--"

"Himself?"

"SHUT UP, DEMI!"

Demeter, used to the fiery temper of her sister, asked, "What was it this time?"

"We were walking in the park and he asked me to get some ice cream. When I came back, he was all OVER some trashy, cross-eyed Siamese!"

"Not Cassandra?"

"OF COURSE, not Cassandra! Can't you hear Alonzo and her in that box? I'm pretty sure they're not playing Scrabble."

Demeter blushed.

"Then he had the nerve to say he was only hugging her because she was his cousin and back in town for two weeks, and then he told me to apologize!"

"Apologize? For what?"

"Gave her a good right hook to the jaw. Huh! Cousins! I hope he'll be VERY happy having cross-eyed brats crawling under his feet!"

"Oh, Talim is back in town? I'll have to drop by and say hi."

"Munkustrap, if you don't have anything to contribute to this convers--" Bombalurina stopped, mouth opening and closing several times. She tried to speak, but only produced a squeaking noise. Finally, she managed,

"You know this 'cousin' of his?"

"Oh yes. Talim used to live near here, but then her humans moved to Surrey. Er, go on. The Rum Tum Tugger eats what for breakfast?" He said this quickly, because Bombalurina was swelling to twice her normal size.

"You mean she really is—And he wasn't—DAMMITALL, now I have to apologize! I hate you Munkustrap!"

"What did I do?"

He was saved from a verbal evisceration by the entrance of the Rum Tum Tugger. He looked around the Junkyard, then spotted Bombalurina and sauntered up to her.

"I've been looking for you, Bombi."

"Couldn't you hear her?" Demeter snickered. Bombalurina hissed at her.

"I wanted to let you know that I explained it to Talim . She's OK, now."

"Good. I wouldn't want any of those perfect little teeth to fall out."

"I just told her that you ahd a huge crush on me and you were probably in heat, so when you saw--"

"You WHAT!"

Munkustrap jumped down form the Ford and grabbed Bombalurina's arm to prevent her doing injury to the Rum Tum Tugger. Mistoffelees ran over and helped.

"Yeah, you should probably apologize to her."

"Why you—I should—Of all the—GET OFF!"

She might have gone on in this vein for quite some time, but a water balloon hit her squarely in the face.

"Who did THAT!"

A second water balloon landed on the Rum Tum Tugger. He sputtered, "What was that for!"

"Sorry 'bout that. Teazer's got bad aim."

"Jerrie! Oi saw you, that was YOUR ballon what 'it the Tugger!

"Yeah, but you hit Bombi when you was aiming at Misty!"

He heaved his last water balloon at Mistoffelees, who ducked and said,

"Listen, if you two insist on abbreviating my name, you could call me Misto. Misty is a girl's na--" Rumpelteazer's last balloon hit him smack in the chest. Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer gave each other high fives, while Mistoffelees sighed and conjured a towel from mid-air.

"Noice shot, Teaze."

"Not really. That time Oi was aiming at Bombi.'

"Why were you two trying to soak me in the first place?" Mistoffelees asked, rubbing his head with the towel.

"We wanted to see if you'd lose your powers if you got wet."

"Obviously I don't, because I'm not a CARTOON CHARACTER!" He produced two more towels for Bombalurina and the Rum Tum Tugger.

"Well, we 'ad to try. Teazer, Oi'll race ya to the tree!"

"Bring it on!"

They got about five feet from the group when Mungojerrie tackled Rumpelteazer and they had a kitten fight.

"Ya can't outrun me, so you won' let me run? That's cheatin', that is!"

Rumpelteazer wriggled out of his grasp, smacked him upside the head and took off running. Despite herself, Bombalurina giggled and tried to turn it into a cough. She caught the Rum Tum Tugger's eye and the mirth vanished. She glared at him.

"I'm not apologizing till you apologize!"

"Well, the same goes for me!"

They began a staring contest. They were nose-to-nose, almost growling. The other cats wandered off, sensing that the two of them would have to work this out on their own.

Off in the distance, Bombalurina heard, "ten minutes! Our best time yet!" This from Mungojerrie. Bombalurina fought a grin.

Jemima ran up to them, covered in mud from head to tail tip.

"Hey guys, I just found a really good mud puddle. Wanna come play?"

"Not. Now."

"But maybe later?"

"Yes."

"Goody!" She ran up behind Victoria and gave her a bear hug. "RAH! I AM THE MUD MONSTER! FEAR ME!" She then did a very passable Macavity laugh.

The corners of the Rum Tum Tugger's mouth twitched. Finally he said, "We're both too stubborn to give in. Let's settle this the way humans do."

"Duel to the death?"

"No, you twit, a--"

"Mad gunfire? All die?"

"No! A bet. We both say we'll try to do something and first one to succeed wins. The loser has to apologize."

"What's our bet going to be?"

"I'm thinking. Get outta my face."

"Thinking, wow. Doesn't that hurt your head?"

"Shaddap."

He looked around, apparently lost in thought—_isn't that unfamiliar territory for him?_ Bombalurina thought, and chuckled—and saw Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer coming back in the Junkyard. Mungojerrie sprawled out by the oven and Rumpelteazer sat beside him and began to groom his head. Bombalurina then said, without thinking,

"Don't they look cute together? I bet they become mates within the next month."

"THAT'S IT!" She jumped.

"What's what?"

"I bet you I can get the two of them together before then!"

"Not if I beat you to it. You're on! but the loser not only has to apologize, they have to…"

"What? What!"

"The loser has to kiss the winner for five whole minutes!"

"You want me that bad, huh? Let's shake on it."

They shook hands, then went away to plot. Both were thinking, _There's no way I can lose this. _

From his perch behind the rusty bicycle, Mistoffelees had heard it all. He snickered. Those two couldn't even Figure out their own relationship, let alone someone else's. He felt sorry for Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer, though. Bombalurina and the Rum Tum Tugger could end up hurting them through this stupid "bet".

"Now, this could be a problem."

Mistoffelees went out into the sunlight to dry off and think of how to warn the Terrors of Victoria Grove they were being plotted against.


	2. Round 1 Draw

**Chapter Two: Round One, Draw**

Mungojerrie woke up, yawned and stretched. The sun had insisted on moving and the spot Rumpelteazer and he had picked for napping was now cold. Mungojerrie's stomach let out a loud gurgle, reminding him that it was past time for supper. _Time to go home._ He nudged Rumpelteazer, who was curled up into a tight ball.

"Teazer, it's time to go 'ome."

"No….just five more minutes."

Rumpelteazer was a heavy sleeper and he had known her to have an entire conversation while half awake and not remember any of it on waking fully. He nudged her again. She didn't respond, except to put her paws over her eyes.

"Don't you want supper, too?"

"Bring it 'ere."

"C'mon, wake up."

"Uhg."

It was time to play dirty. Mungojerrie began to tickle Rumpelteazer mercilessly. When she laughed and tried to roll away, he caught her foot and tickled it. She pulled it out of his reach, but left her sides vulnerable. He tickled her ribs. She responded by biting his arm. It turned into a kitten fight, which he "let" her win.

"Whoi'd you wake me up, Jerrie? Oi was 'aving a good dream."

She was sitting on his chest, wiping tears of mirth out of her eyes. She looked over at the spot where she had been sleeping and frowned.

"Jerrie, did you take me super ball?"

"No, Teaze."

"Then Oi lost it again. 'Elp me look for it."

"You lose that thing every toime you bring it 'ere. Maybe you should leave it to 'ome."

"Yes, Mummy."

She dove into the nearest garbage pile and came up with a banana peel on her head.

"Jerrie, you look 'ere. Oi'll see if one of the kits took it."

She scampered off toward the sounds of mewing and play-fighting. Mungojerrie sighed and began digging around in the trash pile Rumpelteazer had abandoned.

The Rum Tum Tugger snuck a look around the corner. When he saw that Mungojerrie was alone, he walked up behind him. Mungojerrie was mumbling under his breath.

"Stupid rubber ball…how anyone can foind anythin' around 'ere…the thin's Oi does for that Teazer…"

The Rum Tum Tugger cleared his throat. Mungojerrie jumped.

"Oh, it's you. Wot do you want?"

"Just to talk. You know, about…stuff. Er, sunspots. Mice. Food?"

He was getting nowhere with this. Mungojerrie had turned back to the trash pile and was digging through it. The Rum Tum Tugger tried again.

"What are you looking for?"

"Teazer's super ball. She loses it every toime she brings it 'ere."

"Huh, girls. They'd lose their tails if they weren't attached. But hey, that Rumpelteazer, she's pretty hot, huh?"

Mungojerrie finally looked up at this.

"Wot?"

"Oh c'mon, you live with her. Can't tell me you haven't noticed.

"Noticed wot?"

"Yeah, seems like only yesterday she was a scrawny, squealy kit. But now? She's still too skinny, but those _laigs_! If she were older…"

" 'Ere now! That's me best friend you're talking 'bout!"

"Then you do know what I mean. You'd be smart to take my advice."

"Wot advice? Oi'm completely lost now."

"Ask her out. She's bound to say yes."

"Oi don't wanna do that! She's me best friend."

"Exactly."

The Rum Tum Tugger swaggered off, thinking that Mungojerrie had gotten the message, though he had seemed thoroughly confused. _Ha! You'd don't stand a chance, Bombi! Pucker up!_

"What are you looking for, Rumpelteazer?"

As it happened, Bombalurina knew exactly what Rumpleteazer was looking for. By some amazing coincidence she also knew where it was.

"Oh, Oi've lost me super ball again. 'Ave you seen it? About…" she measured a size with her thumb and forefinger, "So big and broight pink and it bouces loike you wouldn' believe!"

"I think I saw Pouncival playing with something like that," Bombalurina said, pretending to think hard, "Yeah, then he threw it in that tree. See, way up there?"

Rumpelteazer looked to where Bombalurina was pointing. Sure enough, she could see something small and pink

"Now whoi'd 'e do somethin' loike that?"

Bombalurina shrugged, trying to look innocent.

"I don't know. You'd better get climbing, hadn't you?"

Rumpelteazer gulped.

"Cloimb? Way up there? It's so 'igh!"

"What's the matter? Are you scared of 'eights? I mean, heights." Bombalurina cursed mentally. Spend too much time with either of the Junkyard's resident troublemakers and that accent would rub off on you. "Go on. I'll watch."

Bombalurina sat down on a rock under the tree. Rumpelteazer looked at her,then at the tree. She gulped again, then walked to the tree and began climbing. Bombalurina smiled a predatory smile. Phases One and Two had gone off without a hitch. Now, if Phase Three went right…

Rumpelteazer stretched out a shaky hand and grabbed the ball. She had made it up the tree, despite almost falling twice. She turned carefully on the branch to start back down. Bombalurina chose that moment to say, "Don't look down, sweetie."

Of course, Rumpelteazer looked down. Instantly she was paralyzed with fright. The ground was miles away and seemed to be shifting. How had she ever gotten up here? She dug all sets of claws into the suddenly flimsy branch. She was sure that any second now the branch would break and she would fall.

"Bombalurina! 'Elp!" she squeaked out.

"Oh, are you stuck?"

"Yeah! 'Elp me!"

"What should I do?"

"Oi don' know!"

Bombalurina thought for a moment, then smiled.

"I'll go get Mungojerrie. He'll get you down."

"No! Don't do that! 'E's scared of 'eights too!"

"What kind of cat burglers are you!"

"Terrors o' Victoria Grove, that's wot! On the ground!"

"Whatever. I'll go get him."

Rumpelteazer wrapped her arms, legs, and tail around the branch and squinched her eyes shut. After ten forevers (or two minutes, give or take) she heard voices below.

"Is that Rumpelteazer up there, Munkustrap?" That was Demeter's voice.

"It is. What are you doing up there, Teazer?"

Rumpelteazer opened her eyes.

" 'Elp!" To her immense relief, Munkustrap began to climb the tree.

"Why did you climb up here in the first place?'

"Bombi told me to. Me ball got stuck up 'ere."

He reached the branch. Rumpelteazer inched over to him, still scared of falling. He grabbed her hand and pulled her over his shoulders in a fireman's carry.

"Wait!"

He teetered on the branch for one heart-stopping moment.

"What now?"

"Gimme my ball!"

He grabbed it and handed it to her. He started to climb down. Rumpleteazer held on and shut her eyes again.

Bombalurina stood under the tree, glaring at Munkustrap as he came out of the tree and thinking, _Burst into flames, burst into flames, **BURST INTO FLAMES! **_Mungojerrie finally ran up to her, out of breath.

"Ya said…Teazer's in trouble?"

"Not. Anymore."

Bombalurina began to grind her teeth, wanting to hit something. _That do-gooder! Why can't he just leave the damsels in their distress?_ Munkustrap reached the ground and put Rumpelteazer down gently. Demeter went up to her.

"Sweetie, why did you climb up there?"

"To get my ball. Look Jerrie! Oi found it!"

She bounced it as hard as she could and began chasing it. Mungojerrie intercepted it.

"You can play later, Teaze. Now it's toime to go 'ome."

"Oooh," Rumpelteazer pouted. Bombalurina found herself wishing that she could pout that prettily. The Rum Tum Tugger would've apologized right away if _she _was that cute. Mungojerrie was apparently immune to it, as he began to herd Rumpelteazer out of the Junkyard. Bombalurina turned back to glare at Munkstrap.

"Well, I HOPE you're HAPPY!"

Then she caught sight of the reason for Munkustrap's tree rescue. The Rum Tum Tugger was looking right at her, with a knowing smirk plastered on his face. She had a sudden urge to walk over to him and hook his eyeballs out of his head with her claws. She restrained herself to smacking him upside the head and stalking off, her tail thrashing.

"I see you and Bombalurina haven't made up yet."

The Rum Tum Tugger jumped and looked around for the owner of the voice. He relaxed when he saw Mistoffelees.

"Nah. We're taking care of it."

"Oh, really? So what earned you a swat in the head?"

"None of your business."

"You know, you could just apologize. It's not too late…"

"Misto, you may be the most powerful magician in this Junkyard, but you have no clue about women."

Mistoffelees walked away then but the Rum Tum Tugger could hear one last sentence.

"I may know more than you think."

_More than what?_ thought Tugger.


	3. Foolish Games

**Chapter Three: Foolish Games**

_Author's note: It was pointed out to me(and I agree) that the terms of the bet weren't made clear (thanx, Mystitat). Since I'm too lazy to rewrite chapter one again and post it again, I'll explain here. It's simple, really. If Mungojerrie initiates the mating, Tugger wins the bet. If it's Rumpelteazer who asks Mungojerrie to be her mate, Bombalurina wins. Any questions? Comments? Snowballs? Now, read and enjoy._

"Bombi? Can I talk to you?"

Bombalurina paused in the middle of her grooming to give Demeter a nod. Demeter sat down beside her.

"So, things with the Tugger are still-"

"Yeah."

"Do you want to-"

"No, I don't want to talk about it." Bombalurina punctuated this statement with an icy glare. It did nothing to phase Demeter.

"Maybe you should-"

"No."

"This isn't-"

"Munkustrap could talk-"

"No."

"Dammit, would you let me finish a SENTENCE!"

"Just did."

"You said I could talk to you." It made Bombalurina feel both guilty and giddy to see Demeter finally begin to lose her temper.

"Yes. You talked, I listened. Are you done now?"

Demeter sighed and hung her head briefly. When she spoke again, it was all in a careful tone, as though Bombalurina were a land mine about to go off if Demeter said the wrong thing.

"You and the Tugger…you've both got a lot of pride. But sometimes, when you love someone, you need to be more…what's the word?"

"Humble?"

"Yes. A little humility wouldn't kill either of you. You'd get along better too."

"And how would I go about doing that?" This was delivered in a mocking, sarcastic tone, as though Bombalurina were waiting breathlessly for Demeter's advice.

"Well, you could apolo-"

"Stop right there! I don't want to hear it! Ok? He humiliated me and I won't apologize to him!"

"It's just a little thing-"

"No! Look, I give in now, he owns me! He'll be the big tomcat who tamed Bombalurina! And do you know what'll happen then?"

"No."

"He'll leave. You know him. He only wants something if he can't have it. I give in now, I'll lose him." Demeter shook her head.

"Bombalurina, you're not stupid, but you really act like it sometimes. I've heard him talk about you and he really cares about you."

"Maybe he could try telling me that himself." Demeter opened her mouth to speak, but Bombalurina cut her off. "I don't want to talk about it, OK?"

Demeter sighed, and began her own bath. Bombalurina went over to the water dish and drank. As she did, a single teardrop fell into it.

The Rum Tum Tugger was sunning himself when he felt the tug on his tail. He ignored it at first, but then—

"YEEEOOOW!" The cat had just bitten down on his tail. He leaped up, fur bristling, ready to tear the cat apart, when he saw that it was Jemima.

"Sorry, Uncle Tugger. My teef are itchy. Mum says I'm getting grown-up teef now. See?" She bared her teeth for him.

"Yeah, very nice. Still, how would you like it if I chomped on your tail while you were napping?" Jemima giggled at the image of the Rum Tum Tugger biting her tail. "Why aren't you playing with the other kits?"

"I am. We're playing hide-and-seek. Can you help hide me?"

"Sure. Where's a good hiding place? The Ford?"

"No, I saw Jerrie and Teazer hop in there."

"Oh, really?" A mischievous gleam came into his eye. "Jemima, go hide under the old tire."

"Ooo, good spot." She ran off to do as he suggested. When she was out of sight, he slunk over to the old Ford. He heard a loud giggle, then a shushing noise. He grinned. He hopped up on the trunk, and his weight slammed the lid down, trapping the two inside. _C'mon, Mungojerrie! Figure it out, she's a queen, you're a tom and you're in the back of a car. _Mungojerrie didn't seem to understand, though, as immediately the two inside began pounding on the lid and yelling for help. He settled onto his haunches and tried to ignore this.

Unfortunately, Tumblebrutus happened by at that moment.

"What's that noise?"

"Er, what noise? I don't hear anything."

"It's coming from the trunk."

"No, there's no noise. If there was a noise coming from the trunk, I would be able to hear it. But I don't, so there isn't." By now, the ruckus was drawing attention and some of the other kits playing the game were crowding around.

"Yes, there is. Get off, I think you trapped one of the kits playing hide-and-seek by accident."

"No! I mean, I can't. I hurt my leg. Jemima bit it." She heard this.

"No I didn't. I bit your tail and that was only cuz you were waving it around. Why are you trying to lock up Jerrie and Teazer?"

"Er, they like it in there?"

Just then, the trunk burst open, sending the Rum Tum Tugger flying. He landed right on his butt. Two blurs of multi-colored striped fur ran out of the trunk. Both of them walked up to him and glared at him.

"Mungojerrie! And Rumpelteazer! Were you two in there? I had no idea!" A bright pink ball flew at him, hitting him square between the eyes. "Ow! OK, I'm sorry. But I really didn't mean to trap you." Rumpelteazer went to chase her ball, leaving Mungojerrie with him.

"Listen, Oi don't know wot you're up to, but it won' work."

"I'm not doing anything, and it will work."

"How the bloody 'ell will it work if you don' do anything?"

"It just will. Hey, so how was she?"

"Wot?"

"Ooo, defensive! He's denying it!

"_Wot? _Did that make more sense in your 'ead?"

"What did you think I was up to?"

"Wrecking the game! Giving away our 'iding place!"

"Er, yeah. That's _exactly _what I meant."

"Wot did you mean about Teaze--" Now Mungojerrie looked angry, his fur bristling. _Uh-oh._

"Well it's been lovely chatting with you, Mungojerrie, but I have to—with the—and the idea—Coming!" He ran the other way as fast as he could. In a fight, he was probably stronger than Mungojerrie, but the thief had forgotten more dirty fighting tricks than the Rum Tum Tugger would ever know. He leaned against a tree, panting. Then he heard the voices. He recognized Mistoffelees and a queen. He edged around the tree and saw Mistoffelees and Victoria cuddling together. They saw him and jumped up, looking a little guilty.

"I am so glad I decided to run this way. So, the two of you?" They nodded and sat back down, looking uncomfortable. He sat between them. "Well, congrats. It's always nice to see a tom surrender to the bonds of mating." He put his arms around both of them. In a stage whisper, he said, "Reminds me of what I want to avoid."

"That's a grim way of looking at it," Mistoffelees said. Then, looking serious, he said, "Can we trust you to keep this a secret till the Full Moon Dance? We want to announce it then."

"No problem, little buddy. So cute," he added, patting each of them on the head. "But you'll owe me one." He strolled away, singing, under his breath, "_Oh well! I never! Was there ever, a cat so queen-whipped as the Magical Mr. Mistoffelees!_" A cat slunk out of an old shoebox, making the Rum Tum Tugger jump. "Munkustrap! Shouldn't you be out saving a kit from a burning building or something?" Munkustrap did not appear amused by this.

"Demeter told me to talk to you. About your spat with Bombalurina."

"Aw, don't worry. We'll settle it, eventually."

"Normally, I'd agree. But Demeter isn't…feeling herself these days and I don't want her worked up over this." The Rum Tum Tugger looked at him, surprised.

"Are you going to be a daddy?" Munkustrap beamed.

"Yes. Jennyanydots told us last week. They'll be here in about five weeks. But," he added, looking stern, "I want peace and quiet in the Yard. If you two want to fight, take it outside."

"No problem, Munk." The Rum Tum Tugger continued toward the Junkyard, not feeling a bit guilty. They weren't actually fighting now, just tricking the Tricksters. That had to be allowed. After all, Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer had it coming, what with all the stunts they pulled. "Yeah, and then 'Strap yells at me. How fair is that?" He continued arguing with an imaginary Munkustrap the whole way in, and when he bumped into Bombalurina, he didn't even notice she was crying, not at first. "Oh, it's you."

"Yeah. It's me. Get outta my way."

"It's a free Junkyard, I can stand where I want--" Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Munkustrap drawing a finger across his throat. He had spent too many years getting thrashed by Munkustrap to want to get into it now. "And I want to stand over here now." Then he noticed the tears as she stormed past him. He almost called her back then to say—what?--but some measure of pride kept him from it. He contented himself with watching her back. _I hate to see her go, but I love to watch her leave! Once I win this bet, everything will be fine. _

_Another Author's Note: Thanx and hugz to everyone who reviewed! Peace. Out._


End file.
